Thursday, June 21, 2012

My Life Story in Pieces: Now I'm Pregnant

I was unable to say goodbye to J, who was living in Philly only half an hour away, because he was in another state training for a new job as an over-the-road truck driver. My dad, siblings, and C came to get me. You see, during a previous summer, C had been booted from where he was living with family for some reason. He moved in with my family. He'd needed a place to stay and would help pay expenses. He was a nice guy and my parents took him in. He took my old bedroom.

C and I had spent the past summer together. He had dreams of having a family with me. It was all he could talk about. At this point, neither of us acknowledged the existence of J. He was already the parent to a child he was unable to see because he was 4 hours away from the kiddo. He regretted that the relationship with the kiddo's mom hadn't worked out. He'd even bought me this adorable, soft little teddy bear "to represent the babies we're going to have together someday." It was something he always talked about. He knew I'd dreamed my whole life of becoming a mother, of raising a family and being a wife...I had told him all about it when we first "met" on the phone years ago. He always said that his first dream family didn't work out, but we could have one ourselves. I didn't want that, but I never had the guts to say as much and risk hurting him.

When we would go on walks, he would sketch me drawings of houses and tell me we would have my dream house someday. One time we were sitting in the cemetery above town (the place where our relationship would eventually end up, symbolically...), talking about being together, and in a grand gesture, he built a little tiny house out of rocks and sticks, and said that we could live there. The song "Somewhere only we know" by Keane became the theme song for our alternate universe.

And now C was there again, to help pack me up and bring me home, no longer a college student.

I left that campus embarrassed, defeated, shamed. A few of those great, upstanding Christian students muttered "good riddance" as they saw me packing up the car. By the time I got home, my mom had told all my friends, church members, and family that i had "gotten kicked out of Christian college." I genuinely wanted to die but once again, didn't have the nerve or the energy.

My dad bought me a car so I could get a job until fall semester started. C was psyched to have me back. I applied to ESU's honors program, which has fantastic housing for transfer/honors students, more like a condo and less like the cinder-brick dorm rooms that freshman "lived" in. Since i'd gotten a 1200 on my SATS and had completed a certain # of credits, i was qualified for the honors program; I would find out in a few weeks if I had been accepted into one of the few slots left.

J was unreachable. It didn't matter. C was there and he was the only person in the world who wasn't ashamed of me. He was the only person who didn't think I was a heathen. I cried on him a lot those first few days, barely able to get out of bed.

After a long afternoon of me laying in bed crying and him laying there comforting me, we had sex. I cried afterward. That wasn't how it was supposed to be. Nothing was how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to be halfway to a degree in college. I was supposed to have friends and good times and fun. I was supposed to be a virgin until marriage. I was supposed to be a normal 20-year-old. I was supposed to be able to look Jesus in the eye someday and say, "Yes, I did do what you wanted me to do with my life."

A few days later, my boobs started hurting. I smelled someone making a sandwich in the kitchen at the other end of the house. My ... down there area... began to hurt. I fortunately had already scheduled my annual OB-GYN appointment at the local med center, so I waited it out. Something wasn't right.

The day of my pap smear appointment, I got a letter in the mail from East Stroudsburg University. I was accepted into their honors program and my slot was reserved in a dorm for the fall.

C went with me to the appointment. They made him stay in the lobby, thinking it was a routine appointment. They asked, "Before we start the exam, is there any possibility that you might be pregnant?" I said yes. The nurse took a urine sample and came back about ten minutes later - obviously, the longest ten minutes of my life. I wanted to run out to the waiting room and get C, but I was already in a paper gown and didn't think all of town needed to see my girly bits.

The nurse came back in, plunked down onto a stool, and said matter-of-factly, "Well, you're pregnant." I don't remember what I said or what I did, but I do remember sitting there, wailing in misery. She brought Chris in and he held me while I cried. I was so distraught that the entire medical center heard me crying. I didn't know what I was going to do. College was out the window. Everyone was going to judge me. My entire life was going to change. I was going to be a mother.

I pulled back so he could wipe tears from my face and he was smiling. He was happy that we were pregnant.

We told my parents a few days later. It was your typical, cliche movie moment. "Mom, Dad, we need to talk to you." Of course they knew what I was going to say before I said it. "I'm pregnant." My mom said, "I'm going to be a grandma!"
Part one: My first and second boyfriends
Part two: My first and second boyfriends part 2
Part three: Welcome to Bible College
Part four: Kicked out of Bible College
Part five: Pregnant

No comments:

Post a Comment