Monday, August 13, 2012

5 Steps for Guys to Avoid Serious Relationships

Gentlemen, are you meeting girls who take you seriously? Are you accidentally getting dragged into relationships with girls who fall for you and see you as a potential boyfriend? Are you comfortably stuck in a groove that you just don’t want to leave, but those pesky booty-calls are interfering with the mediocre lifestyle you’ve worked so hard to achieve?

Here are five easy tips for meeting girls for casual encounters only. These tips will ensure that you don’t find someone worth dating because – and here’s the secret! – by following these easy steps, you’re ensuring that you’re not date-able! That’s right, just follow these five easy steps and you’ll be single for the rest of your twenties and well into your thirties, until you meet a worn-out shell of a woman who is desperate enough to settle down and procreate with the balding failure you’ve become.

(Remember the girl you blew spitballs at in high school, the one who was kind of pretty but needed to lose about 40 pounds and bleach her mustache? Yeah, her. She can be YOUR future wife!)

But until you reach that elusive perfect marriage, these steps will not only dissuade a woman from becoming genuinely interested in you, they will actually repulse her, thereby ensuring that you get to remain the single stud-muffin that you are.

Step one: Be a mooch.
Remain financially dependent. Whether you’re living with your parents, six roommates, or an ex-girlfriend, you’re sending a clear signal that you’re not ready to strike out on your own yet. If you do happen to live alone, make it clear that your parents subsidize your rent and that you still go “home” for mom to do your laundry. Make sure you’re on someone else’s cellular and car insurance plans. The modern grown-up woman most likely doesn’t expect to eventually be your little housewife while you’re off being Mr. Breadwinner. She probably has career goals, life dreams, and the ability to be financially and emotionally independent. So if you can show her that you have none of those things, she’ll pass – leaving you to sit back and let the intoxicated, sexy hook-ups come to you.

Step two: Know nothing; do nothing.
Exhibit absolutely no skills for daily living. If possible, have someone else cook your food, do your laundry, and clean up after you.  Keep as few amenities in your place as possible: your fridge should be empty, your toilet paper should be sparse and as thin as possible (think: the last four squares on the roll of Scott toilet tissue), and your kitchen sink should have a yeasty odor at all times. While every woman supposedly has a maternal streak, women aren’t usually into dating someone who comes with the same responsibilities as a child because it makes them feel icky when they touch your pee-pee.

Step three: Who needs a budget!?
If you find yourself getting serious about a girl, quickly overdraw your bank account, or default on your auto loan. Nothing says “not boyfriend material” like phone call passive-aggressively asking for $300 and a ride to the impound lot. Live above your means and ask her for help to get out of the mess.

Step four: All that glitters really IS gold!
Show her that you’re just a good time by spending at least 25% of your income on “entertainment expenses.” This means that you should attend every big-name concert that comes to your city, go out on the town at least twice a week, keep a constant supply of alcohol and recreational drugs in your place, hit the movies for every new release, and regularly purchase the latest electronics. Spend a lot of time online and on your xbox. Make sure you have the latest iPhone and all of its overpriced accessories.

Step five: Belittle, belittle, belittle. 
If all else fails, here is your Hail Mary to lock yourself into her mind as a single man who is not, was not, and will never be “Boyfriend Material:” Assume that she couldn’t possibly enjoy your hobbies. Don’t let that girl jump in on a round of Left4Dead; there’s no way she could possibly kick zombie ass as well as you do (ignore the high scores she leaves on your Xbox when you’re sleeping). Don’t teach her how to shoot a gun, understand the basics of football, or appreciate your favorite craft beer. If she asks a question about something you love, give an overly-wordy and drawn-out explanation ending in “But it’s much more complicated than that; you wouldn’t understand.”

 Make it obvious that you see her as just a little girl in a man’s world. Obviously, she’s below you and won’t ever have the right to be a part of your world.

If you do all of these things, I promise that you will be left alone to have all the hot, dirty hook-ups that you want with none of the responsibility and drudgery of being a purse-holding, pussy-whipped boyfriend.

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